After my son had fallen asleep last night; I poured myself a glass of water.
The bed time story I had just read for him explored how water comes in different forms.
Rain. Snow, humidity. Yup.
Right now: from the tap.
The phone rang.
I was in the motion of slowing down, I had a busy day and I had been looking forward to some quiet time.
Non-talk.
Silence.
Myself included.
I glanced at the screen.
Girlfriend incoming.
Let me pick this up.
– “Hey babe, what’s up? How are you?”
It quickly led to her expressing how she is dealing with some major discomforts.
Mostly exhaustion, confused heavy thoughts, questioning her life priorities and realities.
“I work so hard. It never stops. I perform and I meet the deadlines … but I am going to run into a physical brick wall. A mental breakdown. I don’t get it. What do I have to show for my life? Big responsibilities, dream job. Where does this lead?”
As I listened, I could hear my own interrogations in echo:
-“Alexa, what have you done? How did you impact the world? Are our goals met?”
Hush!
It’s not about Alex right now!
Take a breath.
I have known this woman for thirteen years now.
I can list her accomplishments and her overcome struggles.
Check. Check. Check.
But that’s not what this is about.
That feeling of self doubt. Of overall fatigue and burn out.
After it all: did we acquire our desired outcomes?
Was it worth it?
Did we make the world a better place?
Ah.
Scratch that.
Did we make ourselves happy?
Depends, right?
Different individuals, different routes and different destinations.
Lately, I’ve been kinda pondering the same interrogation.
What have I done? Is this the 40 years old query?
I don’t work tirelessly.
Nope.
I have a little me.
That is a full time vocation.
I own properties which are mostly rented, that I manage.
I am healthy and I often work at it.
It’s been fruitful.
Thank God.
I stay active and busy.
Again, it’s not about you Alex.
Focus.
So what should I answer?
To reassure, to support, to enlighten my dear friend? I tell her that at night; everything is dark.
Feelings checked. Situation observed.
Validated and understood.
Let’s reconvene at a different time.
Verify if everything feels the same.
Just as dark. Still heavy.
Cause; we know how to move.
Like water, perspectives can alter.
I’ve done it. She has too – on several occasions.
Through the mud. Through thick and thin.
If we must move. We can do that babe.
She answers:
-“Alex. Move to feel the identical pressures elsewhere?”
Wo.
Hold up.
I said.
“Tonight, let’s pause. Rest.”
Evaluate and reflect another day.
I hung up feeling uneasy. I wished I would have said something pivotal. Something illuminating. Rainbow light.
Feeling observed. Check.
Circle back tomorrow Alex.
Right now.
The night is dark. The mind is cluttered.
Sitting on my couch in my metropolitan house.
Its fog city.