Between the numerous lists of mom duties, medical oncology follow-ups, workouts and writing: it had been a while since I’ve been this bothered.  I was really focused on adjusting to this latest hurdle; gracefully.

I know.
My life often becomes very tricky to manage when my ego feels really hurt.
My blood starts boiling, my thoughts rumble: intensely.

Most of my happy, grateful and light impressions usually spiral down into heavy, sneaky grounds. Oh!
Hi Ego. You found your way back. Vigorously.

During a heated conversation with an old friend, I experience this ego pop up. My integrity is solicited, my inner peace is compromised. Damn you ego!

I almost forgot your impact.

It was early morning, birds were chirping and the sun was shining. I was quietly organizing breakfast for my son when the phone had rang.

Forget the enjoyment, the slow sips of coffee, my observation of light through the outside windows. Scratch all that.
I was momentarily ready to go to war.

Around me; all my surroundings were still light and calm but I could see dark and red everywhere.

Fuck this graceful start of day!
Fueled up, I inhale. 

What is happening?
I feel exhausted. Yet, I’m completely wired-up.

Ego?
Right. You make no sense.
Experience has taught me to ignore you; but your whispers and wishes are intoxicating.

I’m usually a pretty laid back individual, I’ll see how things play out and I’ll assess the moment’s moods and desires. I don’t really plan interactions.
This said, when my ego is concerned: my mind becomes a cognitive machine.

Plans and schemes, plays and stipulations… Oh! And even fall back orchestrations are elaborated.
You don’t want to mess with this.
Actually, wait.

I do not. I don’t want to cultivate this.
Hence-more work unfolds for me now.
Great. SMH.
I can still clearly see the loving road I was vibing on before my phone rang.
How to get back?
Push and shove, drag and pull?

Ok.
First, I succeed to articulate only loving words with my phone interlocuter.
Fake it until you make it. Right?
This should win me some time.
Hang up peacefully Alex. Maybe get some fresh air afterwards.

I hung up the phone angry and hurt, disappointed and intoxicated. I need to sober up.

Alex calm, low energy. Observe but stay in the awareness, Don’t fuel the emotions.

It’s hard to do.
Two days later as I’m editing and composing this piece, I still feel little ego shocks.
Like a spur in my ribs: I cringe and try to exhale. Let it go.
I remind myself to focus on my daily graces and my loving objectives.

The following day, I tried to neutralize our mutual flow: it was a true heartfelt attempt. Really.

It was a hurt-hearted attempt too. A call was orchestrated: from me to you.
It was all in vain, the message got lost in translation. Somehow, it didn’t really help.

Oh well.
Experience has taught me to fall back and surrender during these times. It ain’t cool but it’s okay…I’ll be alright anyway. 

I hope you will too.