I’m not sure what to call it.

Let’s go with a memory lock?

From time to time, I’m sure this happens to all of us.

We see hundreds of things throughout our daily routines.

At times; it’s a melody. Others; it’s a verbal response.

Today; it was a written sentence.

This phrase appeared during my social media browsing today.

• Maturity is deleting the entire paragraph and simply responding “ok”.

It stuck with me. Before coffee, during the noon hour and even through my night routine.

I guess; it spoke to me.

All day, I cultivated this idea in my mind.

And much comes to my mind, so this is particular.

 

Furthermore; I’ll tell you about a recent special encounter.

Last weekend, I met with a great love.

To this day, I believe he was my first infatuation.

His love, like most; influenced my growth and my life.

A long while ago; he was my everything and more.

Then he broke my heart. 

We went different ways. 

I moved on. 

We both did.

We met for an evening stroll last Saturday.

 

Very amicable, strangely familiar looks and definitely good vibes; twenty years later.

We recall our intimacy, our hiccups and even our former friends.

It feels normal but it’s bizarre.

We talk about our marriages, our families and about life changes; both physical and mental.

We know of each other, but we don’t really.

 

-” Alex, what has changed in you?” he asks.

Uhhhh.

Many things have changed.

I survived so I limp now.

I’m a mom.

Plus, I now have assets to my name.

-”No, no. What has shifted inside you, your perspective on life?” he specifies.

Aaaah, ok.

No doubt. My learnings and my experiences have adjusted my life lenses.

I poise a minute to reflect.

Primarily: my choices and what I chose to focus on – have changed.

Symptomatically: my words and my actions.

Twenty years ago, I was young and frivolous.

He knew me; ego hungry and ego crazy. Hence, I was learning my ways and discovering life’s dynamics.

Still today, those obnoxious and vein self centered energies – still exist in me.

They didn’t exactly disappear. 

Everyday, I hear egoistic screams and also ego driven whispers.

Because life happens around us; frequently and several times a day: this ego energy feels threatened.

Nothing and Everything – is a problem.

Something and Anything – is constantly scrutinized.

I still catch myself juggling self-absorbed wishes or lingering in vengeful or greedy aromas. I acknowledge the thoughts but I only desire to nourish loving explorations.

 

It’s the management, the focus and the awareness that has changed.

I strive to have a constant love practice. To respond with and present love.

It’s quite interesting how my ego still manages to show up. 

I recently encountered a difficult and dishonest reality.

 

It still pops up in my realms, hence it materializes in my dreams.

Another man. Another time.  Another hurt. 

Just last night, I dreamt of verbalizing a poignant reply to him.

It instigated a dreamt argument.

I woke up with a troubled feeling. 

With repeated conscious efforts yesterday; I only managed to sober back into “a.somewhat.kinda.peaceful.wobbly.state.”

.

Maybe it’s self love or awareness.

All these are possible factors to the final result: my silence.

Don’t be confused.
I sometimes find myself extrapolating a timely reply : I imagine, I weigh my words.
I elaborate and ultimately; I dispose.
If that answer is not kind, if it’s not mandatory and not 100% true; I wish to remain quiet.

Please don’t understand it as a sign of fragility.
It maybe is; maturity.